Loose Copy Will Sink the Message

Envelope blurbs are great vehicles to increase the response rate in direct mail.

But here is the Number One Commandment of all envelope copy: Thou Shalt Not Confuse and Obfuscate.

Here are two recent direct-mail envelopes that I found in my mailbox recently that raise more questions than they answer.

1) The Kennedy Center

The back of the solicitation envelope that the Center mailed has a beautiful multicolor pie chart as an answer to the question: "How Important Is Kennedy Center Membership?"

So you look at the pie-chart to understand how important the "membership" is and guess what? NONE of the pie slices is labeled "Membership".

• The 37% slice is labeled "Contributions"
• The 19% slice is labeled "Federal Funds"
• The 44% slice is labeled "Ticket Sales & Other Earned Income"

So where is the Membership? I guess it's "Contributions"? But if that is so, WHY MAKE ME THINK?

Why not just call it "Membership" so I can establish an immediate visual connection between the Question and the Answer?

But it's not over yet.

The pie-chart is followed by a call to action: "Help make us whole!"

Yes, BUT HOW? That's not clear either.

Here is the Other Cardinal Rule of direct mail envelope copy - If you are asking the reader to do something, you should also provide specific steps to complete the requested action.

From the pie, it's not clear which slice should I help EXPAND to make it the WHOLE?

Should I help the Kennedy Center become WHOLE by increasing their Federal Funds?

Should I help the Kennedy Center become WHOLE by increasing their Ticket Sales & Other Earned Income?

Or,

Should I help the Kennedy Center become WHOLE by increasing their Contributions?

I suspect the Center would like me do the third pie-chart alternative.

Then why don't they simply tell me "Send in your Contribution today!" ?

The lesson -- do not force your readers to solve puzzles. That will drop your response rate considerably.

2) IONA Senior Services

Their motto, printed right on the envelope, reads:

"Experts on Aging"

Like in "we are experts in helping you get older"?

Probably what they meant was this: "Experts in Elder Care..."

What a difference the right and wrong copy can make.